SCANNER vs Jobs

I've had a few jobs and went into volunteering schemes in my life. You never have chance to be bored whilst working, no time to consider the banality of existence, so the void isn't really present. I think it is a NEET thing.  You get to be around people and work as a team, learning of each others interest, and if you're lucky you get good co-workers, they're like a second family. Keeping busy helps fight against depression. Some jobs I loved, some I hated; I'll go through them and tell you how they combated the emptiness.

Betfred
Working for Betfred was a fun job. What I had to do was put bets on through a computer and handle money, also collecting money from Fixed Odds Betting Machines. I could play the betting machines on demo mode and could even make myself a cup of coffee and drink it in shift. I felt I was working towards a career, made friends with the co-workers and started to understand the nuances of gambling. But problem is I got a bit too chummy and started to talk about inappropriate subjects. Example, a customer said 'I'm going to drink 8 cans of lager and cry myself to sleep', and like an idiot I responded with 'That's nothing, I used to take 8 ecstasy tablets and vomit the day away'. He then later told management about my utterance and I got pulled in for a disciplinary, but was way too freaked out over it so they fired me on the spot. Also didn't help that when I wasn't working, I went in one night with a bag full of cans of lager and only the regional fucking manager saw this and was like 'You're not allowed to bring alcohol in the premises'. Felt like a total tool. Still, I have fond memories working there, it's a shame that I got fired.

Smyths Toystore
Now this is one of my most favourite jobs, hands down. What I had to do in night shift was to open cardboard boxes full of toys, take that cardboard in the back and bale it with a cardboard crusher/baler. And I got to listen to my ipod whilst I was working. I made some good friends in that job, and also if I was in the day shift, I would walk around and help customers to the toys they want. Sometimes I worked behind the tills and handle money. I felt like I was Willy Wonka just showing the customers all our merchandise. I got through a lot of podcasts whilst working night shift. Don't know what more I can say apart from how I loved working there.

Kapak
This is one of the worst jobs I was in, fucking hated it. But meh, at least I wasn't bored. What I had to do was open cardboard boxes of cookies and place them in reach of my other co-workers who were working in the assembly line and putting those cookies into packaging. But that wasn't the worst of it, I could easily deal with that. The hardest part of the job was working in what is called 'the Walkers line', where you had to open 3 big bags of crisps (or potato chips if you're a Yankee) a second, fill this blue bucket with said crisps until it was full, then take that full bucket to one of the machine hoppers where it got repackaged further down the line. I couldn't get up to speed and I fucking hated it, I never felt so useless in my life. But at least the void wasn't there, gnawing at my being. At it was at that point I vowed never work in a warehouse again.

Hermes
This was quite a chill job where I was a groundskeeper for a warehouse (thank god I didn't have to work in it). I had to clean up all the outside of it from plastic tags and wrapping, pull out weeds and dealt with the odd rat corpse. Quit the job so I could work in Smyths again. Nothing much to talk about, made a friend who I forgot the name of.

So how does having a job combat the void?
Well, having a job fills in your life. To work is to do something and keep busy, to feel useful in your craft. I reccommend getting a job to take away the apathy in your life. One day I hope to build a career, I'm studying how to become a Teacher's Assisstant so one day you might see me teaching kids. Hope to find somewhere I belong.

SCANNER vs Videogames

Back in the day, I used to play a lot of videogames. Videogames were a huge part of my life, been playing them since I was 8 years old. That used to fill in a void a lot, gave me a lot of agencyplaying as a farmer, or a hero, or a badass gangster. Right now I'm watching The Dota 2 International and started to get back into Dota 2 again. I'm as excited about this as I was with the world cup. So I'm gonna talk about a few videogames in my life and how they made me feel.

Dota 2

Dota 2 is a tricky one. I've spent 2000 hours on the game and I can't recommend it to anybody because it can fill you with full of rage and hate, where you could be losing a game for half an hour to a full hour. Dota 2 is a MOBA, a Multiplayer Online Battle Arena, where 2 teams of 5 people duke it out in a map full of friendly and hostile mobs. It is a game best played with friends, and I used to play with a lot of friends.  I usually play as a support, which is a hero that doesn't need gold or items and plays to help the team get kills and vision across the map. I like playing as a support on dota2 because I feel like my whole team depends on me to save their asses and get them the money needed to git gud. It's a nice feeling, to be depended on.

Harvest Moon: Back to Nature

This is one of my childhood games, where you're a farmer in the countryside and you have to plant and water crops, look after and get resources from cows, sheep and chickens to earn money. Then you can improve your home, get a kitchen and a double bed fitted and then get married and have kids. Was a really cute sim game, I sank hours and days into that game. I'd name my chickens swearwords, I remember 'Twat' used to lay golden eggs because I won a chicken race with him.

Battle Hunter

This was a card and dice game I had for PS1 which I played with my sister. I felt through that game I got closer with my sister, loved it so much I emulated it on computer so I can play with her. It had fucking awesome music too. You get dropped on a random boardgame like map and you're tasked with getting an item, which can be hidden in one of the 10 random crates in the map. You use trap cards to lay down traps for enemies as you fight each other for items, which you can sell or use ingame. I remember my sister had 2 sets of crutches, which regain your speed if you have you broke your leg on a trap. So my sister used 2 sets of crutches to boost her speed to +2, so she would purposely break her leg to get a speed boost. I called her a skittering tripod. Fun times.

Why I am so passionate about videogames.

I've lost my interest in videogames just after I got sent to hospital, but I still talk about them with my friends. For a few hours of a day, I could suspend my disbelief and immerse myself in the experience of being a hero.

I've even written a dissertation on how videogame companies come up with different strategies to make money. 15,000 words on game companies, but I forgot about what most I learnt.

Oh well, at least I always got Dota 2 to fall back on. If you're suffering from a void, I really suggest filling it with videogames.

SCANNER vs Drugs

What are you trying to do to combat this void?

I'll get to that later, I'm trying to quit smoking now since it costs me £70 a week to support my habit, so I think it would be befitting to talk about my old vices. Let it be known that I take a very neutral stance on drugs, I don't condone them but I don't oppose them either. I just like getting fucked up but I wouldn't wish it on anybody else (The hangovers are killer). Back in the day, 4 years ago to be exact,  I was living in Liverpool I made friends with a drug dealer who owed me a lot of money, which meant free drugs (long story, which I'll get into later). Huzzah.

It was at this point where I really got into ecstasy and weed, but I was mostly drinking back then. I had good times, I had bad times, there were times I felt like a powered up super sayian and times I felt like the vilest filth that should be wiped out from existence. However, the most I remember from my trips is the massive, costly mistakes I made. Oh, and that Quantum Conundrum is the best damn game you can ever play whilst high on molly (Yeah, I play games whilst high on MDMA, I don't rave). So if you ever find yourself scoring some sweet Class A and B, for the love of god don't make the same mistakes I've made.

I also got more advice, if you're gonna take ecstasy, don't drink lots of water. People have stated that people often die of dehydration but little do people know that too much hydration can kill you as well. Something about water not being sweated out and flooding your brain, the fuck if I know. What I do is buy two cans of ginger ale. One to rehydrate, and another to combat the nausea that comes with the hangover, ginger ale is really good for nausea. Never take too much of the stuff, pace yourself for a few hours, and always check erowid for more information on what you're taking.

Drugs and business do not mix
4 Years ago, a friend invited me to the house of this drug dealer named Joe (His real name was Yusef, I think he was trying to hide his identity; poorly I imagine), this is when I tried ecstasy for the first time. I felt all lovey dovey and dreamlike, as we walked to the cornershop for some drinks, I spoke my mind and said 'Wouldn't it be nice to have a business?'. Joe thought the same, and knew that I have inherited a lot of money, and that his family worked in real estate. The plan was I was gonna pose as Joe's girlfriend's half brother, pay a £7000 deposit on a nearby kebab shop and do all the signatures and shit. He'd help run the business. Seemed to be a good idea at the time, I get to own a business before I'm 30; but here is one lesson that I learnt later, everything seems like a good and simple idea whilst on molly. Even the bad and stupid ones.

So, I sobered up the day after, I withdrew £7000 out the bank, signed a few documents; but we hit a snag. We needed a guarantor for the business. I left the £7000 with Joe, but calamity struck, his dad had a tumor in his nose or something and needed medical bills need paying. So he went on a coke bender and betted my £7000 on a fucking horse. Never knew the horse's name. He was crying when I saw him and told me to slit his neck with a knife he had. As if I'd get done for murder. We could've been successful and he threw it all away in an idiotic move. I had the million mile stare, I was beyond upset.

So I decided to live with him until he paid me back. Only lived with him for a few months, I couldn't handle the drama between him and his girlfriend, she got pregnant and was so stressed out with Joe's tomfoolery she wanted to cut her stomach open with a pair of fucking scizzors. I moved back to my family for some needed space. Joe has now moved out of Liverpool and no-one knows where he is. £7000 gone. All because of mixing with the wrong type of people... should've known better. I don't know what became of Joe, but his kid will grow up not ever knowing his father. Wish I could run away from my problems like that.


Mdma and sex don't mix.

Here is a lighter note on my drug escapades, one time I scored some MDMA back when I was living in Clockface; and thought 'You know what would be a good idea? Having a pornhub account.' Like I said, everything seems like a good idea when you're on molly. So I completed my registration and got talking to this cam girl.  As much as I can remember, we was talking about dreams and fan fiction as she was sucking on a dildo; I wasn't even masturbating, molly kills the boner you see, you can't get hard whilst you're high on MDMA.

We trailed off from the sexy talk and just ended up talking normally about shit for a few minutes, I wasn't even trying to get my rocks off, I just liked the novelty of talking to a cam girl. Even tipped her £2 for the conversation. But little do I know I spent more than £2. I checked my back account and I was down £70. I spent £70 on talking to a camgirl about fan fiction and cosplay. I didn't even cum.

What has this all got to do with the void?

Well, drugs are a good way to escape the mundanity of the day. Even washing dishes becomes fun whilst under the influence of drugs. I don't take them nowadays but part of me misses the good times I had whilst under the influence of molly. I had some fun times but now I need to find a way to have fun sober. If I do find some new way of having fun whilst sober, I'll tell you. Used to be mad about videogames which I will talk about the next time I post a blog. I wish I had something more substantial and life changing to talk about about drugs, but all I can say is they temporarily skewed my emotions and perceptions whilst I was on them; for the better too. But the deadly hangovers are not worth it. At times I'd be so weak I wouldn't be able to leave the bed for hours, rotting in a pitiful state of depression. The void returns tenfold after you've partook in illegal substances.

So I always took to heart that drugs are a temporary release from banality and should never be taken in large doses, should be taken once between months of a time. Molly can induce a transcendental existence where you feel at peace with the world, but it is only temporary. Life is temporary too. Only written word can have permanence. Let writing be my new drug of choice.

SCANNER vs the Void introduction.

Banner is by one of my friends from 8chan, Rocket Racoon.

Who am I?

My name is Joshua Adam-Smith, but I'm also known in some circles as SCANNER; this is because when I posted in 4chan (for those uninitiated, 4chan is an imageboard with huge communities all posting comments and pictures to each other), I used a printer/scanner to scan my doodles from University and use those images as an avatar for myself. Also, my favourite film was A Scanner Darkly.

Back then, there were these threads in /b/- Random called 'Circlejerk' threads, where people  created avatars for themselves from their favourite media. These threads were banned from 4chan, no idea why, so I used my doodles as an avatar so I could argue that I'm making 'Original Content' that people from that board was crying for. It didn't really work. 

So to summarize, I'm an avatarfag from 4chan's /b/, now posting in 8chan's own circlejerk board, /animus/.

Why am I making a blog?

Short answer, I'm doing it for the love of my friends and to combat boredom. Long answer is a doozy. Exactly a year ago I suffered from a drug induced psychosis, I was posting bizarre things on my facebook, such as posting my cock hidden through a QR Code, or peculiar pictures with bizarre cryptic clues in order to beat systems and cause hilarious havoc. I was making my own Alternate Reality Game I think. All through '2Bit', a name I given for my 2DS and called it my robotic butler.

When a concerned friend called the hospital due to fears that I finally lost my marbles, I was taken into hospital and was told to 'wait for the doctor' to assess the damage. In my warped mind, I thought I was waiting for Doctor Who and was being used for a fucked up PR Campaign. I also thought MI5 had took an interest in me, so to impress these invisible forces, I swallowed a sim card from my phone (I didn't feel any discomfort shitting it out so I think I got a lucky break that it didn't melt in my insides) and that was when my doctor made the call and sent me to a mental hospital.

It took a month for me to regain my sanity, I was still logged into the Alternate Reality Game I made for myself. I thought branded clothes held secret messages, like the brand 'Under Armour' was a cue to trust this person because they protected by an unseen security firm. I had a pink shirt with a puffin on it and I thought I was supposed to wear it to indicate everything is peaceful, because I thought it was an anagram for Peace Until Further Notice. PUFN, Puffin, makes sense in a fucked up way, don't it? Plus I thought I had to wear my shoes to indicate the problem of fossil fuels because they had 'Diesel' written on them. I had a month of this silly shit, till the meds kicked in and the weed was finally out of my system, and a few convincing arguments till I knew that no one was out to get me.

What made you lose your mind and how did you get it back?

It wasn't just the weed. I was isolated and I had to give up one of my prized possessions, my Alienware 17 laptop which I cherished. I had to trade it in because I was overdrawn £40 from a water bill. There was also a hole in my roof that no-one came to fix, which compounded stress. So I didn't have the support net of the internet, the coping mechanisms I had were gone along with the many videogames I had on my laptop. I was withdrawn from the world, all I had was my little butler 2Bit. When I moved back in my house, a great anxiety enveloped me. I thought I was a failure. That laptop had been my life and no without it, life is dull, life is empty, life is a big fucking void. I had to check myself back into the mental hospital because I couldn't stand living without any outlet, petty, I know. But now I've moved out of Clockface, my old apartment, and now live in Supported Accommodation where I see a social worker 2 hours a day. Oh, and I got my gaming computer back.

That still doesn't explain why you're writing a blog.

Well now that I got my marbles back, life is dull and boring. No one is out to get me, no one really gives a shit; after my episode I realized that the world isn't as dangerous or exciting as I made it out to be. I'm now suffering from a deluge of apathy. I'm battling against a massive void where my psychosis would be. I'm no longer stressed, but bored. So I made it my mission to beat this emptiness and hopefully beat yours too. And it starts with a song and a promise. I promise to fight this blankness and share my experiences on how to cope with the void.